Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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