We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
