I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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