I cannot find my penis.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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