i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Randomize
