What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
