if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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