Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
