Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
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You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
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I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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