Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
