The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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