What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
