I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
