My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
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