I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize