He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
