Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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