i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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