god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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