Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
