i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
This baby is an asshole
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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