He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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