woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
