I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
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Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
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I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo