got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
smell my finger.
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just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
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Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.