my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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