How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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