wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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