I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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