is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
