I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
