Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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