I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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