Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
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