the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Randomize
