So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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