I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I can feel your judgement through the phone
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I think I just shit out all my problems.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
