remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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