You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
