I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
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