That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
