So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
