i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
