I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
