Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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