I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
