The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
