I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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