Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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