Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
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