he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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