I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
