Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
We left an ass print on the piano.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
