giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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