im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
