I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my liver is dry heaving
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
My breath smells like gin and sadness
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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