I think I won the penis lottery.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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