I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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